I want to disappear – approaching eating disorders
Eating Disorders are not just about food or the desire to be thin, and they are much more widespread than commonly assumed. One out of ten women, so the current hypothesis, struggles with Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating or another form of the phenomenon. Research confirms that especially those living in industrialized countries are at highest risk to be affected.
Nevertheless, the sources and effects of this illness are still highly stigmatized and excluded from societal discourse. In I want to disappear, 20 young women intimately share their testimonies. What does it feel like to be affected? How is this conflict linked to one’s own (sexual) identiy, and why does controlling one’s body help someone to feel “better”, even just for a short time?
Many interviews and an anthropological interest into the phenomenon lie at the core of this partly autobiographical project. Drawings, Texts, Sculptures and Pictures taken by the protagonists and the photographer are layered above each other in the book and wall installation.
Being able to look at the experience rather than being caught up in it – a moment of empowerment? Very soon, a new perspective is revealed: eating disorders are never a sign of weakness. And one is by no means alone with it.
M. suffered from Bulimia for almost 6 years, but finally succeded in overcoming the illness after a long-term stay at a local clinic. She definitley considers herself as not affected by this diseases anymore. Nevertheless, she regularily attends a self help group to exchange with others who are struggeling with eating disorders. Marie is an inspirational person for many of them – listening to her optimistic and strong statements often gives other participants courage to work further towards their own self-acceptance. Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
“For me, it shows the ambivalence of food and eating in general. I think the knifes look very brutal. It‘s like fighting yourself every time you eat a piece of bread.” Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Katharina suffered from Anorexia as an adolescent.
Her mother remembers: “She wouldn’t eat anything anymore, except for apples and pretzels. At some point I started going to the gas station every morning to buy bread rolls – so that we would have them in the house, at all times. In summer we went on a hiking trip. That wasn’t easy. My biggest concern was whether we could buy those damn rolls there – If not, my child would starve.“ Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Self-portrait of one of the protagonists. The diagram shows the extent of her belly according to daytime and consumed food and drinks. It was made by herself to supervise the changes of her body. “It didn’t matter if I looked at myself in mirrors, or other persons told me that I would be too thin, I wouldn’t believe it. I had the feeling that I couldn’t rely on my perception at all.” Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
“I know it sounds stupid, but at the toilet I still take time out for myself. For me it’s a form of stress relieve if I’m not being good to myself or if I’m stressed out. When everything slips and starts to fall apart that’s the thing I can hold on to – because I can control it. I can control what I’m eating and I can control my body… I know exactly what to do. That’s when I need it most, even though I know it’s just a fantasy.” Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
C. has been suffering from Bulimia and Anorexia since her early adolescence. According to her, she is rather addicted to purging than to being thin. She lives on her own in Vienna and dreams of studying
medicine once things are better. Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
“This picture, where I am leaning in front of the bathroom is somehow special for me, even though I didn’t think about it when you took it. It makes me think about how often and at what stage I went through this door… I thought I smiled much more when you photographed me, but now the observer can actually really see how I feel. I avoid contact with others, and I am so occupied with food, purging, and sports all the time, it‘s like beneath a glass cover. For me, this is what the picture shows.” Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
“When I think about it today, the most shocking thing for me is that I somehow never thought about when I would want to stop losing weight.” Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Ulrike suffers from Bulimia and Anorexia. Her story is long and complicated and
reaches back to her grandparent’s
generation. According to her, food and eating always were difficult topics and her family. The feeling of being too fat has
accompanied her since early childhood days – and finally lead her into a mode of life where phases of restrictiveness
alternate with those of extreme bingeing and purging. Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Photo by Mafalda Rakoš
Mafalda Rakoš (1994) is a documentary photographer based between Vienna and The Hague. Her work has been exhibited in Austria, France, Spain, Italy, Portugal, Greece, the Netherlands, India and the US and often results in rather complex books. I Want to Disappear was published by Edition Lammerhuber in November 2017.
